Am I a Sub?

Hi, everyone. I’ve been mulling over my feelings and desires for a while now and thought I'd turn to this amazing community for some insight. I'm a woman in my twenties, doing a PhD, and I've been exploring BDSM-related ideas and fantasies, although I’m still uncertain about my identity in this space. I don’t know if I’m a submissive (sub), or if I’m simply someone who's a bit kinky and curious about exploring deeper.

I don't exactly fit into traditional labels, and that’s why I’m reaching out for advice. Like many, I’ve got some questions, doubts, and fears about whether I’m truly a sub. I love being dominant in certain aspects of my life, and I'm often described as bossy, independent, and assertive — qualities that make people, especially men, a little afraid of me. But when it comes to intimate dynamics, I can’t help but be drawn to the idea of being bossed around, of surrendering control, and of allowing my mind to let go.

Is it Okay to Be Confused About My Role?

First of all, let me just say — it’s okay to feel confused. It’s okay not to have all the answers right away, and it’s perfectly fine if your identity doesn’t fit neatly into one box. You are who you are, and that can change over time. BDSM isn’t about fitting a specific mold; it’s about discovering what feels right for you, exploring your desires, and, most importantly, respecting yourself and your boundaries.

Am I a Submissive?

The word "submissive" often carries a lot of weight, and it can be confusing. For me, the biggest question is: Am I a sub? I definitely don’t want to be humiliated, degraded, or treated disrespectfully. But on the other hand, I love the feeling of being told what to do in the bedroom. I enjoy when my hands are held above my head, when I'm spanked in a controlled, consensual environment, or when my partner takes charge during intimacy. Does that make me a sub?

The Confusion Between Dominance and Submission:

I’ve come to realize that submission doesn’t have to mean weakness or humiliation. It's about surrendering control, not necessarily being degraded or hurt. You can be a submissive and not enjoy pain or humiliation. For me, the pleasure is in the submission itself — in the act of giving up control, not in suffering.

Why It's Hard to Label Myself

The challenge I face is that labels are limiting. Yes, I may enjoy certain dynamics like being spanked or tied up, but that doesn’t mean I identify as a sub in every aspect of my life. Some days, I feel more dominant. Other times, I enjoy being the one who’s told what to do. I can switch between different roles depending on the person and the situation. The idea of being called a "good girl" or being made to submit doesn’t automatically mean I’m a sub — it's about the context, the trust, and the dynamic between me and my partner.

I’m Not Just One Thing:

I’ve come to realize that I’m complex. I can be dominant in certain relationships, but still enjoy submissive activities, especially when it’s with a trusted partner. Just because I like being taken care of or spanked doesn’t mean I want to be humiliated or controlled outside of the bedroom. The key here is trust. Without it, none of this works.

Breaking the Fear of Being Misunderstood:

One fear I have is being treated disrespectfully. I’ve had experiences with men who couldn’t handle my strength, intelligence, or independence, and they treated me poorly outside of the bedroom. But that’s not how it should be. I need a partner who respects me — in all aspects — whether we’re being intimate or not. That’s why it’s so important to communicate and make sure that whatever dynamic you explore is safe and consensual.

Conclusion:

So, where do I go from here? Am I a sub? Am I just vanilla with some kinky tendencies? I know I love being spanked, restrained, and controlled during intimate moments, but does that mean I’m a sub? Is it okay to like those things without labeling myself? I’ve learned that BDSM is about exploration and finding what works for you. Don’t worry about fitting into a box. Just explore, communicate, and be open to new experiences.

For those who might feel similar to me, it’s okay to not have everything figured out yet. We’re all on our own journey. And one thing’s for sure: I’m definitely not alone in this.

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